Sorting the Accumulated
Just a quick update that ties in to the previous post. In other words, how are the mentioned things today?
Text conversations had. Messages answered. New messages answered. Legal document handed in. Surprise bank business done. Dishes washed, dirtied again and washed again. Crunches didn't happen, but machine rowing and running did (today). Weekend sort of scheduled. Still in crisis about living where I do, but not focused right now on that. Still protective. Not crying anymore, but I'm having big feelings about people important to me. Little art developments are important for overall living and being an artist.
There are two songs that I have on repeat right now. They are Ja sam lažljiva by Denis & Denis and Bless the Child by Nightwish. They're both trashy in their unique ways, but I'm playing them because they fit the current moment. Really good music is great, but it's not a factor for me when deciding what to play. Deciding on something with my internal gut feeling and reaction, instead of making an informed, thoroughly intellectualized decision is very important.
Yesterday, I wasn't feeling good about what I was writing (about), although outside of that my mood wasn't bad. Today, I feel fine about it. So while internal feelings, instinct and the moment are important, there's a negotiation around how to respond to it, because no single answer will work for every situation. Letting it wash over you and riding the wave is amazing when you're feeling good, stimulated and realized... and devastating when you're feeling endangered, trapped and uncertain. Some wisdom might say both should be allowed to pass through you – otherwise it will linger and transform into a bigger problem over time – but there's a lot of nuance in doing that, too. Yesterday I had decided to post both despite or because of it. I kept to a decision I made, because it's important to me, and left space for several outcomes. Seems to have worked out.
The public gaze is in formation, since there aren't a lot of people I've linked this blog to, so there's room for it develop, for me to get used to writing, to even start desiring more eyes. I really should keep to simpler sentences – I prefer them in several ways, but I am prone to the long ones. Embarrassing moments are water under the bridge and not just because there are so many new and exciting things to experience. Life can be positively exciting! Professionalism has its purpose and use, but I personally feel that I can't have it envelop a single thing fully. I need at least a different narrative under the surface, in a part of myself. I think. I'm still feeling it out. I like having things to reference and connect to, and I like feeling smart, but I need that to come from a place of wanting and ability rather that needing to. Being able to forget it great. It can be very liberating. Not being able to imagine is exhilarating, because it doesn't put a limit on what you've yet to experience but might/will.
And now I'm going out for a beer and I won't even proofread this until I get back! I feel it's missing a part that comments on the difference itself between yesterday and today, but I don't want to keep my friend waiting. Also, an image.